September 20, 2017

Steve Serby’s Funhouse

by Scott Benson
[email protected]

In case you haven’t seen this yet, here’s Steve Serby of the New York Post claiming that Eric Mangini has a “strategy for slaying (the) dragon”, which turns out to be none other than Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. Why a dragon? Why not a giant robot?

People, this is one of those most specialist of occasions for the denizens of the Internet; fresh chum in the water. It’s like a High Holiday of Ridicule.

Serby is a piece of work. Oddly, I think this damn thing is supposed to be about Kellen Clemens, the Jets backup QB. And it sort of is, except for several wild outbursts by Serby, who thinks he’s figured out how Mangini and the Jets are going to get by the Patriots.

The JETS ARE GOING TO RUN THE BALL. The JETS ARE GOING TO RUN THE BALL through and around our Patriots, and then they’re going to kill somebody and watch their head die or something. I frankly found that whole part disturbing. Anyway, the Pats are cooked; the JETS ARE GOING TO RUN THE BALL.


No mention in Serby’s column that New England was the league’s fifth best defense against the run in 06 (3.9 a carry). Also no mention that the Jets were 24th (4.6 a carry). Thomas Jones is no slouch (if he’s healthy after an injury suffered in a drill yesterday), but isn’t the real question on the other side of the ball for New York?

No matter. The real fun is in Serby’s shots at an allegedly wildeyed Belichick:

“Bill Belichick bestowed upon Tom Brady offseason gifts of Randy Moss, Dante Stallworth and Wes Welker. It underscored Belichick’s hunger and desperation to win that elusive fourth Super Bowl and sent tremors outside Weeb Ewbank Hall, where Jets fans cursed their fate.”

The man is desperate! Maybe not as desperate as an organization that hasn’t won a Super Bowl since 1968, but pretty desperate! There’s no telling what he will do:

“So maybe if Belichick hadn’t gambled on Moss – a player Mangini and GM Mike Tannenbaum would never add to their locker room – Tannenbaum would not have traded up in the first round to draft cornerback Darrelle Revis, whose debilitating holdout over a sixth year in his contract needs to be resolved ASAP.”

See what I mean? Desperate! Associating oneself with that sort of…….element. Imagine.

Never say never, Steve. Take my word for it. If Moss would have agreed to play for 3 million in New York (as opposed to New England, though he was due 10 million in Oakland), if he’d been as “star struck” by the Jets as he was the Patriots, the door to that locker room might have been left open a crack. And you’d be falling ass backward over youself trying to “get to know Randy.”

Greg Doyle of the crackhead Patriots Daily staff took something else from that same paragraph, so let’s re-run it again:

“So maybe if Belichick hadn’t gambled on Moss – a player Mangini and GM Mike Tannenbaum would never add to their locker room – Tannenbaum would not have traded up in the first round to draft cornerback Darrelle Revis, whose debilitating holdout over a sixth year in his contract needs to be resolved ASAP.”

I don’t know why we’re worried about their friggin’ running game when Mangini and Tannenbaum have access to a working time machine. They must, because how else would they known about Moss, who wasn’t traded until the day after Revis was picked? Come on, now. You can’t get that stuff by Doyle.

That whole idea is silly anyway. The Jets spend the fourteenth pick on a guy to defend a player that will more than likely be out of the division in 12 months?

Serby was confused throughout, which means he represents Jets fans perfectly. He gins up a dramatic story from Clemens, who learns a valuable ‘life lesson’ from sage Mangini:

Coach Mangini posed a question to Clemens: ‘Kellen, what are the records of Jacksonville, Kansas City and Denver?’

“He gave what he thought was the right answer. ‘They are all 7-5.’ And they were all 7-5, as were the Jets.

“The right answer is, ‘It doesn’t matter,’ Coach Mangini explained. ‘What matters is what WE do, how WE approach it, whether WE win our games and whether WE control the things WE can control.’”

True enough. But Serby writes an entire column that essentially says that the only thing that matters for the Jets is beating the Patriots, even while his already-sainted head coach (who, strangely, is quoted nowhere in the piece) is saying exactly the opposite. Steve must have been writing this column in a funhouse.

Which explains a lot.

Kellen Clemens has got to be like, “damn, I was going to cut this out and send it to my mom! He talks to me two hours and doesn’t mention me ’til the third paragraph? And what’s this Teddy Atlas bullshit? What’s wrong with this guy?”

Exactly, Kellen. This question you got exactly right.

In other news, Kyle Brady seems close to returning to practice, and the Herald’s John Tomase reports this morning that the undisclosed injury suffered by Ty Warren on Friday night is considered minor. Check all your headlines here. Daniel Malloy of the Globe has our Feature of the Day on Kevin Faulk, who had a strong start against Tampa.

Sadly, the Matt Kranchick Decade has come to a premature end. He was released yesterday, as the Patriots signed former Rolling Stones guitarist Brian Jones. Take that, Bronson Arroyo and Dr. Charles! I honestly thought Jones was dead – wasn’t there something with a swimming pool? Shows you what I know. Turns out he’s been playing tight end in the NFL since 2004. How do the Stones do it? They never get old!

You can’t always get what you want. Except here, in the comments section.


  1. Steve Borgey says:

    This guy isn’t fooling me .. Wrong Borges ‘retires’ and now this fool Serby pops up writing for the Post (that bastion of journalistic standards) and it’s all boxing analogies and hatred for Belichick?

  2. Interesting. Serby has always been a big Belichick guy going back to the Giants days. I remember he came down hard on the Jets after the whole “HC of the NYJ” episode. I dunno. It’s the middle of August, & there really isn’t much else going on. There’s only so many times you can write about the Michael Strahan & Darrelle Revis holdouts. Might as well stir up some shit. That’s what these guys do best.

  3. Media Darling Matt Kranchick Taking Waiver Wire By Storm

    Felger and Co. at the Herald could take a lesson on pot stirring from Serby and the Post boys. Hey, those pesky storylines ain’t gonna create themselves.

  4. You laugh – right now, Matt Kranchick weighing 31 NFL offers. He should go to the Running Jets – providing Mangini and Tannenbaum would allow him in the locker room.

  5. Funny, Mangini and Tannenbaum have no trouble letting Laveraneus Coles in the locker room and he was charged with felony grand theft in college, to which he later pled guilty to reduced charges. He was kicked off the Florida State football team as a result. I wonder why Serby didn’t mention this?

  6. Steve Borgey says:

    With all Matt Kranchick has learned in camp about the Patriots schemes (and even their plans in upcoming drafts)has Belichick finally made his final mistake?

    What hubris to release a player on the eve of a season, a player that could go to an AFC East rival.

  7. If you want to know why a lot of NFL insiders will be happy when Bill Belichick gets his comeuppance some day, ponder that cheesy stunt he pulled in showing poor Matt Kranchick the door. The move was technically legal but laden with a deceit bordering on un-sportsmanlike conduct.

  8. Scott,

    I am sure this column will be followed (just before the Giants-Pats exhib) with a column wildly speculating that BB will bolt to the Jints in 2008 “when his contract is expected to expire.” “It would be his dream job to return to the Meadowlands and return the Giants to their 1986/1990 glory.” Plus “the emergence of Mangenious’ Jets so frightens Belichick that he is determined to escape the AFC East so as not to have to face them twice a year.” Amazing how the NY writers (and Jets fans) are morbidly fascinated by BB!

  9. jamesgarnerisgod says:

    Speaking of the Super Bowl-bound New York Jets, what’s the over-under (strictly for entertainment purposes, of course) for how many games Prince Chad is going to miss. I’m betting (hypothetically, of course, sports betting is evil) on lucky 7. Any (purely virtual) takers?

  10. Mike from North Reading says:

    This is just a prelude for when Serby picks the Jets to make the Superbowl for the 11th year in a row.

  11. How’d that work out, Jets fans?

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