September 2, 2014

In Condi We Trust

logoby Kevin Henkin
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(Editor’s Note: This morning we welcome this guest contribution from old friend Kevin Henkin, who has an idea on how the Patriots can quickly return to the top of the NFL heap. We cannot believe we didn’t think of this first. But that’s Kevin Henkin, folks. A visionary.)

While I may not be a football “expert” along the lines of Tony Kornheiser or Glenn Ordway, I know at least this much: The Patriots need to steal Condoleeza Rice away before the San Francisco 49ers get their grubby little brie-encrusted hands on her.

It’s not all that surprising that the 49ers have Condi Rice in their sights. Perhaps more than any other team in the NFL, the 49ers enjoy a proud tradition of being a great football team a long time ago. That’s why this choice is so savvy for them. Football is, after all, is a game of war and Condi Rice is battle tested in managing two wars at once! Talk about multi-tasking.

Condi also brings a lot of other qualifications to the table. For example, she has been photographed on multiple occasions holding a football during photo-ops. Anyone who brings a football along to a press conference is clearly a student of the game. (Ever see Rich Kotite carrying around a football to press conferences? I rest my case.)

Also, it is said that when Condi served as Provost at Stanford University, she played a large role in landing Dennis Green as Head Coach of the football program. Yes, folks, the same Dennis Green who subsequently elevated the team back to above-average prominence (culminating in an exciting Aloha Bowl loss!). Heady days for the Cardinal football program indeed.

There is also the fact that Ms. Rice has often spoken of her ultimate of goal of one day becoming the NFL Commissioner. Suffice it to say that, considering the robo-nazis who currently occupy the NFL front office these days, the Patriots could really use a friend in the big chair the next time a huge cheating controversy happens.

Also consider the executive experience that Condi Rice can brag about. With her firmly in charge, she wouldn’t be allowing things like having her starting quarterback’s knee being operated on over and over again by some quack hippie doctor using a dirty steak knife out in California. Rest assured that the shenanigans would be over and order would be restored in this once proud Patriots organization.

Lastly, when it comes to “the way things are done” in Foxboro, Condi would obviously fit right in, what with her long track record of denying obvious truths to the press and treating important reporters very rudely.

For the sake of summation, let us recap the Condi situation: Carries football around. Wants to be Commissioner. Hired Denny Green. Takes no mess. Soon to be unemployed. Hates reporters. Wow. Honestly, do we need to hear anymore, folks? This is a win-win for everyone involved (except maybe for incompetent surfer-boy doctors out in California). It is what it is. As they say out in Texas (where people really love football!), let’s get’r done. In Condi We Trust!

Comments

  1. At least Condi isn’t so naive to believe she can sit down and talk with the Oakland Raiders without setting preexisting conditions.

    The Oakland Raiders my friends, a team that advocates wiping the tuck rule off the map.

    You don’t sit down and talk with the Oakland Raiders without setting preexisting conditions.

  2. Preexisting condition # 1 – no track suits. Put on a shirt and tie for once.

  3. And the pompador? That violates both the Kyoto treatry and the Camp David Good Fashion Accord of 1974.

  4. “Treating “important reporters” very rudely” Bah Ha ha – That’s funny! After all, reporters never speak rudely about coaches or players.

    Borges/Ryan/Thomase/Felger are just as “important” as Geraldo and Jerry Springer, maybe even a little less.

  5. If I’m not mistaken at the press conference she had while carrying the football, she actually called it a “magic bean.” And you just know she empties a room after eating a big plate of those.

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